Secret Number Seventeen: One way to enhance your emotional self-reliance is to learn the practice of forgiveness. If you are unable to forgive another for his/her violations or wrongdoings, you stay stuck in a state of unintended dysfunctional dependency on the violator. Forgiving another frees you from the bitterness, anger, and even vengeful impulses you have stored up toward the one whom you perceived as having wronged you. Forgiving helps to give you a clear head and peaceful heart as you move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you deny the other person’s responsibility for violating trust or mistreating you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Equally important is forgiving yourself for the abuse, large or small, you have allowed because of a pattern of unsupportive personal beliefs. Self-forgiveness provides the opportunity to let go of blame, shame, and guilt around your behavior and beliefs. Self-forgiveness sets the stage for creating different, more positive behaviors based on a new way of being and believing. Both directions of forgiveness—outbound and inbound—are acts of love to yourself.
Activity:
a. Name one or two people toward whom you hold anger, and describe what they did to make you angry. (Remember that it’s preferable not to act impulsively from a place of anger. Sit with the feeling, and choose how you want to respond with a cool mind.)
b. Write a letter to one of them, forgiving him/her for her/his behavior. In the letter, mention what the person did to wrong you; acknowledge the other person’s own limited evolution by describing how you imagine the person’s own injurious past contributed to his/her aggression, and wish that person the courage to heal and grow in her/his own personal power. You don’t need to send the letter. Just use it to open a new chapter in the book of your life.
c. Now write a letter to yourself, forgiving yourself for having allowed this other person into your life or for having not kept the person at a distance once you became aware of his/her toxicity. Then, thank yourself for having learned some important lessons. List these lessons in your letter.
d. Now just write a short letter forgiving everyone for just being human and blemished. Wish everyone enlightenment, evolution, and healthy personal empowerment.